An Entry at the Exit

This is indeed an overdue post. I’ve been attending the Interview Technique class for nearly a semester but only until now I could bring myself to start writing on the things I learn from the said class, and for this delay I tremendously apologize. I find this class to be surprisingly enjoyable and fun. I love how my wonderful lecturers (Bu Henny and Ci Tasya) openly and willingly share their knowledge and especially their experiences in the field to us, thus the class doesn’t only focus on objective materials per se but even profoundly on values regarding interview techniques.

The assignments given also had been stimulating (dare I say, physically and emotionally). Last week we just finished this practicum on interview simulation in three settings of psychology: educational, industry-organizational, and clinical. Amongst those three, I have to admit that I found myself more at ease in educational setting, perhaps because the situation is more familiar to me in comparison to those other two settings. Nevertheless I prepared well and tried my best so I’ll just let God do the rest. In a nutshell, there seemed to be some common basic rules in all three settings: as an interviewer, we need to build good rapport, we ask, and we do not judge. But the most crucial rule of thumb I found is that we must listen, thoroughly and genuinely.

this picture is taken from www.google.com

I can imagine how uneasy the situation could be for our clients/interviewees to lay open their secrets and problems on the table, especially in front of a stranger (us), no matter whether the said stranger is psychologist-certified or not. It can’t be helped though: people have this rooted fear of unfamiliarity. And since forever ago, parents have always been telling their little innocent children not to talk to strangers; hence the majority of interviewees’ initial close-mouthed attitude towards us is actually an accustomed behavior. This is why a good and warm rapport shall help the interviewee to feel more at ease and welcomed.

Disclosing problems and expressing feelings are effortful. More often than not, the client/interviewee doesn’t know where and how to start telling their problems to us, hence they might hesitate and stutter incoherent words. Give them space to unfold. Listen to whatever they’re trying to say. Smile encouragingly at them when their face says they want to say something but can’t. Maybe what they’re about to share are things that they’re ashamed of and uncomfortable with, or maybe they fear judgment and pity. Bear with them and do not rush.

 Sometimes our client’s/interviewee’s statement might confuse us; whether it contradicts the previous statement, implies ambiguity, or just plain unclearly-spoken. If so, do not assume. Ask. Confirm with our client, because sometimes words fail people to say what they really mean. While at that, also keep your eyes open and focus at them. I once read a truth-binding line in a book, titled Love and Misadventures, and so I quote, "For those who say they never knew: the saddest people leave the least of clues." (Leav, 2013).

I sort of think that in an interview, we by means seek truth in other people’s secrets. And while a truth is always subjective, at that time we do actually need its subjectivity, because we want to learn and see the way things are from the perspective of our subject (client/interviewee). We should not be biased and judge someone just because they sin differently than us.

After being told of a story or problem, don’t be entitled to claim that we know exactly how our client/interviewee feels. Express your empathy in a subtle way. Even when we think what they're experiencing is more or less the same as what we had been experiencing, the fact is we are not them. We were not, are not, and will never be being inside their skin, hence we could never fully experience the exact feeling and event that they have undergone. 

In clinical settings, when our clients are finally willing to do therapy with us, please don’t promise them rainbows and unicorns. Don’t promise them things we know we cannot deliver just for the sake of false relief. The process is not going to be a walk in the park. It’s effortful and at times seemed difficult, but it’s fine because the process is worth the try. Remember that only our client could change themselves, we are only the helper. We act as a guide and a constant support to remind them that they deserve to be free from being dominated by their own inner demons, to project hope and happiness, and to have desire to survive.

Lastly, I'm going to share my very recent lesson that I learned from my visit to an orphanage a few days ago (on the occasion to fulfill my final assignment of this class, apparently). I went there knowing that I would be interviewing a child whose parents might not be alive anymore, or worse, a child whose parents' existence were unknown to them. Overall, I thought I was ready for whatever it was coming for me. I thought, 'Ok, there would be a sad or even tragic revelation about their family background, and it would be uncomfortable, but it also would be quite predictable, won't it?' 

   And so once again life proved me wrong, because no matter how often I'm exposed to those blue true stories and news in daily life, I was still taken aback at my interviewee's demeanor when she told me about her background. It was the nonchalant way she told me about her family that had me startled, as if her story was just some common news. It took every ounce in my willpower to not look away when she looked me in the eyes and said that her father left the family (on his own deliberate choice, not because he passed away) when she was a little child. So I practiced the art of nodding and “hmmm”-ing, I cleared my throat and the interview went on. But I cannot lie and say that her statement didn’t make a fist in my heart, because really it did. She was just a kid and the world was harsh.
  

Soooo, *exhale*, this is my memo at the end of the class. This is the entry I’ve finally filled at the exit. I hope I could write more justifying notes in regards to the lessons I've learned, because in reality I learn so much from this class, more than what I could sum in words. Thank you for keeping up with me.

You Are My Home

Last Monday (10-03-2014) the class had this one group presenting the material about sexual relationship in adulthood. This topic mostly revolves around the relationship between couples in marital life and how people deal with the issues rounding it. We all know being married is a significant choice to make in life and just thinking about what entails a marriage makes my thoughts go chaotic. I am, in many ways, not apt to have much say on this because of my age and lacking experience but I will nevertheless write down a few things about marriage in my opinion. First hand I would like to share with you some bits of what I learned in the class.

I used to wonder (and sometimes still do) how two people could stay together for such a long time. Are they happy with it? What would they do when they have grown tired of each other? Now that I learn better, I catch a few glimpses of what married couples probably do to keep their marriage a whole, especially in maintaining the sexual relationship when children is already in the frame. Unsurprisingly, it always comes back to communication.

What should people do to keep their sexual relationship well-maintained through the marriage? My lecturer, Bu Henny, enlightened us with a good reasonable explanation. Communicate our needs with our partner and listen to theirs. Make time so we and our spouse could have some fun activities together, including that activity that involves our sexual anatomies. Having children in the house might inevitably change the situation, but this must not put your sexual activity to a stop. Discuss with our partner how to sort things out and it will be better for the couple to schedule the sex. Setting a schedule doesn’t mean we are bound to be engaged in a sexual activity when we’re not even in the mood or when we’re tired to have some. If we are too tired, do neither force nor fake the situation. Tell our spouse how we feel and work it out with them. If it is not possible to have sex on that day, we still can be intimate with each other: laying or cuddling together is better than none at all.

Putting the sexual matter aside, marriage is a mix of emotional matters more than it is of physical ones’. I used to scoff when some say they are looking for a good heart in marrying someone, but now I find myself in the same boat with them. Although physical appearance is the first to catch the attention, those who know better know that this is not the touchstone. Physical appearance should not be the main thing to look for in a potential life-partner. People will age thus outer look may fade, but even if it may not fade, eventually humans with our tendency to grow bored easily will get in the way. I know why I must marry the one who has a good heart. It is so when I get tired of them, all I need is to take some time alone to realize and appreciate all the good deeds they always do. The goodness in their character is something that my marriage can count on to; something that I know for sure will keep me coming back to them, no matter how upset they make me be. Hereby what the movie character Rita Thornton said in The Vow (2012), “I chose to stay with him for all the things he had done right and not to leave him for the one thing that he had done wrong.”

Marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime, isn’t it? That’s why we need to be selective in choosing with whom we want to spend the rest of our life with. I would like to think that having faith in marriage is a privilege that not everyone could afford, because the fact is you need more than “love” to keep your sanity in marriage. Yes, people marry each other because of love. Love settles people down in marriage but respect, trust, friendship, and commitment are what keeping a marriage alive. If I am to say, I would say that marriage goes beyond the classic happy-ever-after notion. Marriage is a struggle because it is worth the hard-work. It is way more than the declaration of vow to love each other eternally, living under the same roof, and having children together; you and I both know we don’t need to be legally married to do all those things. Being married is a choice of yours, not of your parents’ or society’s. Do not marry just because you’re now 30 years old. Marry, because you know this is the person that you love to work on things with.

This photo was taken by me in 2011.
I was looking through a magazine and by chance read an interesting interview.

Marriage is about being committed to be someone’s life partner and having that commitment kept. Marriage means there are more personal cards opened on the table, seeing many other sides of your spouse---the good and the bad---that you’ve had never seen before and trying to accept each other in the best way. Marriage means doubting the situation you’ve gotten yourself into; questioning yourself why you ever married this person in the first place yet you can’t stand the possibility of them marrying anyone else but you. Marriage means being a taken by the whole marriage life issues and arguing a hell of a lot because you want to fight for the happiness you both deserve. Marriage means choosing to stay through a lot of wrecks because at the end of the day you could see them, as confused and frustrated as you are, still trying to work on things with you.  

I think to myself, now that I am still young and fit; that I couldn’t care less about getting married moreover being committed to someone for life. But I also can’t help wondering to the days when I will not look this youthful anymore and my joints start giving me hard times after doing some chores, I wonder just how nice it is to have found someone who knows how to keep me on my toes, someone who will not run for hills when they found my many many flaws, someone whom I could call to help me pick up some eggs or medicines on their way back home, someone I could share my day with, someone I know I could rely on, and foremost, someone I could go home to.

I could go blabbering on this forever but we know it’s not wise, so thank you for keeping up with me.

On Finding The One: My Right Kind of Wrongs

Living our lives day by day, we rarely realize just how much our biologically-programmed subconscious works its way through almost every aspect of the day. It could be surprising just how significant the teamwork of our genes, hormones, and neurological factors is in creating the patterns of road we form in life: the decisions we make and the chances we take. Starting from the very little matter as the way we carry ourselves when we walk to the big finding in what we look for in a potential romantic partner. What do those biological systems have to do with all the ordinary affairs? Let me help you envisage the connections behind the matter.

Kelas mata kuliah Perilaku Seksual minggu lalu (Senin, 2 Maret 2014) bertempat di ruang Audio Visual. Berbeda dari pertemuan-pertemuan sebelumnya, materi pada hari itu tidak disampaikan dalam bentuk presentasi kelompok atau pun perkuliahan biasa, namun dalam bentuk sebuah tayangan film edukasi dari Discovery Channel: The Science of Sex Appeal. Film ini berdurasi kurang lebih 1 jam 30 menit dengan berbagai macam faset topik yang berkaitan dengan konsep sex appeal.

Apakah yang dimaksud dengan istilah sex appeal? Sex appeal adalah kapasitas dan kemampuan yang dimiliki oleh individu untuk menarik minat individu lain dalam konteks seksual. Hal ini tentunya memainkan peran besar dalam proses pencarian dan pemilihan pasangan. Dalam film ini, ketertarikan seseorang kepada orang lain sering kali berupa hal-hal yang dapat dirasakan dengan panca indera kita: yang ditangkap secara visual (bentuk wajah, bentuk tubuh, cara jalan seseorang), yang ditangkap secara auditori (suara seseorang), yang ditangkap dengan indera penciuman (‘natural scent’ seseorang, pheromone perempuan yang dikeluarkan dalam bentuk odor), dan yang dirasakan oleh indera peraba (kulit yang halus). Sains mencoba menjelaskan apa yang biasanya manusia cari dalam diri potential partner mereka dan mengapa demikian.

Riset membuktikan bahwa orang yang dianggap memiliki wajah yang attractive sesungguhnya adalah orang-orang dengan proporsi wajah yang simetris. Meski demikian, pada kenyataannya mayoritas orang terlahir dengan satu mata yang lebih kecil dibanding satunya (kalau benar-benar diamati), alis kanan yang lebih tinggi daripada alis kiri atau pun sebaliknya. Apa yang menyebabkan wajah seseorang menjadi tidak simetris? Prenatal factors seperti keadaan ibu pada 3 bulan pertama masa kehamilan serta nutrisi yang diasup saat bayi masih dalam kandungan ternyata kunci utama yang menentukan simetri atau tidaknya proporsi wajah individu. Berkaitan dengan wajah, kaum pria cenderung menyukai bentuk wajah yang feminin dalam mencari pasangan (slightly smaller jaw, arched eyebrows) sementara kaum wanita lebih menyukai wajah yang terkesan maskulin (squared jaw, thicker eyebrows).

Most men find women with an hour-glass figure to be attractive. Why? This is actually biological in origin because bigger breasts and wider hips signify fertility and the ability to give birth. Women, on the other hand, usually prefer men with bigger potential in providing safety thus this tendency often leads women to be attracted with men of high social and financial status. I’m not saying women are originally materialistic; it’s just the way things work. According to general survey, it is undeniable that sex is costly for women. Men can have sex and walk away, whereas, women could possibly face nine months of pregnancy and years of child care. Looking back to the earliest days on earth, women were having babies who were very dependent on them thus at times women could not hunt for food and take care of themselves, so it’s natural that women were looking for the man that could provide---who was the best hunter---who was going to bring home the biggest chunk of meat for the babies. It’s the same thing today as it was back then.

Among other things that play roles in selecting potential mate (the way men find higher-pitched feminine voices to be attractive and women find a deeper more masculine voice to be appealing; or the way one carries themselves when they walk), I am most fascinated by the fact that at some points women do have a lethal weapon in attracting potential mates. Researches prove that women have this natural tendency to appear more glowing and attractive when they are ovulating (which is around a week before menstruation). Around this time, women voices are somehow higher in pitch and their bodies release a certain pheromone (odorous substances that attract the potential mate) that causes arousal in men’s testosterone hormones. When the woman’s body releases this odor called copulance, men will unconsciously smell this odor and they somehow find the woman to be more attractive. Well ladies, I guess it’s time we stop complaining about having period and start learning how to put this pheromone in use, wisely and effectively, ha!

These scientific findings are mind-enlightening and very informative, though I would like to have a few say on this whole ‘mate finding and selecting’. The fact that physical and outer appearance does play big role in the matter is undeniably true but even that is not enough. As cliché as it appears to be, personality is the anchor that will decide whether the ship keeps sailing in the search for harbors or finally stops at the suitable harbor. You will want to know how your potential partner acts in certain situations: are they funny, are they caring, are they responsible, are they weird in a way that mixes well with your own weirdness? You want to know whether you could picture yourself happy being with that person when their physical appearances age and worn. When it comes to decipher the matter between appearance and personality, the author Lisa Unger got the words perfectly written and I quote,

“When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not with your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner-self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.” (Lisa Unger, 2006).

Charlie Chaplin, in his letter to his daughter, Geraldine.

Putting the sexual adjective aside, I’ve found numerous non-sexual things to be sexy: the way one casually opens the door for the elderly, the way one walks beside you instead of steps ahead when you’re in their company, when one gives thank to the waiter or to anyone who at least tries to help, or even when one remembers your seemingly-not-important quirks ---the way you like your milk cold or your noodles with no chilli. Those acts might seem trivial, but for me those little thoughtful things speak more volumes than the-standing-in-the-rain kind of stunts. Sue me for having this helpless mind *dramatic sigh*.

As I see it, maybe the whole mate-selection thing is about finding your right kind of wrongs. Some look for those thick eyelashes that cast shadow to fall upon the eye; some might find a pointy chin to be endearing; some might be repelled by big nose whereas some see big nose as a wonderful sight. What others seem to adore might not be what you desire. What you find to be lovely might not be what others find pleasant. You find your own ‘right’ in what others deem to be ‘wrong’. So it really comes back to each person to decide which of which is suitable to be a potential mate. After all, don’t they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

Here I draw my writing to a close, thank you for keeping up with me.

This picture is taken from Google.

On Sexuality: What Truly Matters

Last week (24-02-2014) my class had this one group presenting the material in front of the classroom and we had a little discussion after. We dug deeper on the topic of sexual orientation, especially emphasizing on homosexuality. Nowadays, homosexuality is sort of being in the limelight as to the increasing numbers of people coming out of closet and the legal policy of gay marriage in a few countries. I keep thinking about how similar this situation is to the once racial discrimination phenomenon where black people weren’t allowed to many of human rights and privileges. Before I share my views on the subject, I would like to fill you in with a bit of information I got from the class.

Seperti yang sudah saya tulis di posting sebelumnya, orientasi seksual mengarah pada pola ketertarikan secara seksual, romantis, dan emosional terhadap suatu gender (laki-laki, wanita, atau laki-laki dan wanita). Kaum homoseksual adalah mereka yang berorientasi seksual pada individu lain dengan gender yang sama. Banyak teori dan pandangan yang berusaha menjelaskan mengenai ikhtisar, asal-usul, dan perkembangan dari homoseksualitas. Ada yang mengatakan bahwa homoseksualitas adalah keadaan yang dibawa sejak lahir, pandangan lain mengatakan bahwa hal ini dipengaruhi oleh upbringing, dan ada juga yang berpendapat bahwa hormon memainkan peran dalam orientasi seksual (bahwa perempuan lesbian memiliki kadar hormon testosteron yang lebih tinggi daripada yang selazimnya). Dari sekian banyak pandangan yang ada, saya mendapati pandangan Behaviorist Theory cukup menarik.

Di dalam makalah kelompok, tertulis bahwa behaviorist theory menyatakan bahwa perbedaan orientasi seksual, khususnya homoseksualitas, terjadi akibat adanya reinforcement dan reward positif. Those behaviorists state that the differences in sexual orientation are learned. Without lessening any of my respect, I somehow find those two statements to be quite ridiculous.

Seperti yang kita ketahui, mayoritas masyarakat tentunya tidak memandang homoseksualitas sebagai sesuatu yang ‘baik’, bahkan beberapa kaum konvensional yang fanatik justru menghujat kaum homoseksual. Melihat situasi ini, saya rasa reinforcement dan reward positif yang kaum homoseks dapatkan tentu tidak sebanding dengan hujatan dan tentangan yang ada. Lingkungan dengan tingkat acceptance dan tolerance yang tinggi serta awareness terhadap kaum LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, dan transgender) mungkin menjadi salah satu penyebab meningkatnya jumlah orang yang mengaku dirinya homoseksual. Namun saya rasa hal ini terjadi tidak secara satu arah. It’s like questioning the obvious thing, “Which comes first: The smoke or the fire?” Tidak mungkin ada asap jika tidak ada api. Tidak mungkin ada awareness jika tidak ada objek nyata dalam realita. Homoseksualitas mungkin saja meningkat karena adanya dukungan atau penerimaan (reinforcement positif), namun tidak berarti awal mula homoseksualitas lahir dari lingkungan. Terlebih dahulu harus ada kasus mengenai homoseksualitias dalam jumlah yang cukup banyak sehingga muncul awareness di masyarakat. Saya tidak menyatakan bahwa teori behaviorist sepenuhnya keliru, biarlah apa yang saya tulis di atas ditanggapi sebagai opini yang terbuka.

I am a heterosexual, but I neither despise nor glorify those of homosexuals and bisexuals. Regardless of my religion’s and culture’s influences, I am all Switzerland on this whole homosexuality thing. It’s not about the degrading morality of the generation but more like of an acceptance. I do not hold homosexuality above or below anyone. People are just open about it now. People used to think that black people were an abomination from evolution as well and now we have gotten to the point of not making that assumption. I wonder if in a few decades later, all these LGBT notions will be regarded as normal and accepted wholly as knowledge and studies about them become more scientifically reliable.

Dalam diskusi kelas, salah seorang teman saya bertanya, “Apakah seorang ladyboy (laki-laki yang setelah menjalani operasi kelamin menjadi seorang perempuan) yang menyukai laki-laki lain tergolong homoseksual?” Saya ingin memberikan tanggapan mengenai hal ini. Gender is a person’s sexual identity, regardless of the person’s biological and outward sex. Gender mengacu pada identitas seksual dan bukan pada jenis kelamin. Seorang laki-laki bisa saja merasa bahwa ia sebetulnya perempuan yang lahir dalam raga laki-laki. It’s like on the outside I’m a man but the ‘me’ inside is a woman. This means his gender is of a woman. Anggap saja laki-laki ini kemudian menjalani operasi jenis kelamin menjadi perempuan lalu kemudian ia menjalin hubungan romantis dengan seorang laki-laki tulen. Menurut saya, mereka adalah pasangan heteroseksual. Seorang laki-laki hanya dikatakan homoseksual jika dirinya memang mengakui bahwa ia memiliki gender laki-laki namun juga tertarik dengan laki-laki secara romantis dan seksual. Seseorang menjalani operasi kelamin dan menjadi transgender bukan dilandasi orientasi seksualnya, but on how one feels about one’s sexual identity.

Bisakah seseorang yang dulunya homoseksual kemudian ‘kembali’ menjadi heteroseksual? For me life is about finding who you truly are. Seseorang bisa saja mengaku dirinya homoseksual karena ia sedang mengalami konflik jati diri hingga pada akhirnya ia menyadari bahwa ia sebetulnya heteroseksual. Life is an ever changing cycle and we might as well roll with it. We doubt and then we make sure. It’s ok to be lost and confused once in a while, that’s what makes us human after all. So when you finally find yourself, make your mark and celebrate it.

    Sometimes we are afraid to speak up our mind and do the things that we actually love because we fear judgments will be held upon us. It's like even though we know we should not bother with what people say, many times we still find ourselves hesitating to stand for what we want because at the end of the day, sometimes those gibberish still get to us. It's ok though. Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters: what you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you. So hats off to those who have the courage to stand for who they really are regardless of their sexual orientation or gender because it shows that they embrace themselves wholly as human beings. You should never feel less special just because you are different from what society molds you to be.

    There I have my thoughts said, thank you for keeping up with me.

This picture is taken from Google.

Knick-Knack on Sex

  Never had I ever thought that someday I would talk about penis, vagina, sex, orgasm and foreplay all at the same time on the internet but *tadaaaa* here I am doing exactly it.

  Oooookay *squeaky voice*, so it was an interesting class I had on last Monday (17-02-2014), the topic was gloriously captioned “Sexual Orientation and Sex Anatomy”, uh huh. We will going to talk about sex and the gang A LOT here, so for those of you who are: 1. Under-age, or 2. having sensitive-closed mind, please kindly stop reading because I don’t want to be accused of corrupting pure stainless souls: THIS IS A FRIENDLY FOREWARNING. Now let’s get on with it, shall we?

 Hal pertama yang diterangkan oleh dosen saya adalah pengertian dari Orientasi Seksual, yang berarti pola ketertarikan secara seksual, romantis, dan emosional terhadap suatu gender (laki-laki, perempuan, atau laki-laki dan perempuan). Melalui orientasi seksual ini kita mengenal konsep heteroseksual (ketertarikan antara dua orang yang memiliki jenis kelamin berbeda), homoseksual (ketertarikan antara dua orang yang memiliki jenis kelamin yang sama, misal: gay dan lesbian), dan biseksual (ketertarikan seorang individu terhadap kedua jenis kelamin secara seksual: bisa tertarik dengan laki-laki dan juga bisa tertarik dengan perempuan). I’m not going to say much about this but if there’s one thing I know for sure: things are not black and white when it comes to love and sex. Both are universal. There you go (if you catch my drift).

  Sejujurnya saya pusing sekali mencari kata-kata yang tepat untuk menulis mengenai topik sensitif semacam seks, namun saya tidak mau menyerah hanya karena kesulitan bodoh yang semuanya berdinding dan ber-atap kata tabu (taboo). Seks seharusnya tidak menjadi sesuatu yang memalukan atau tabu untuk dibicarakan. Justru sebetulnya seks menjadi terasa memalukan karena tidak pernah dibicarakan secara terbuka dan jelas. Sebelum saya mulai membahas seks, saya ingin berbagi mengenai apa yang saya pelajari tentang anatomi seksual (organ seks) di kelas Perilaku Seksual minggu lalu. 

cited from an article in thoughtcatalog by Charlie Morrigan, "The 69 Greatest Quotes About Sex".

  Anatomi seksual yang paling populer adalah penis dan vagina. Penis merupakan organ seksual pada laki-laki sedangkan vagina merupakan organ seksual pada wanita. Menurut saya, keduanya menjadi yang paling populer karena mereka adalah organ yang paling aktif digunakan untuk berkembang biak. Padahal banyak organ seksual penting lainnya yang ikut berkontribusi dalam proses tersebut. Saya tidak akan membahas sampai terlalu mendetil secara biologis, namun saya lebih ingin bicara mengenai aplikasi dan pemanfaatan dari beberapa anatomi seksual lain yang kurang mendapat sorotan *grin and smirk*.

  Pada intimate-area wanita, terdapat 3 lubang : lubang kemih (urethra), vagina, dan anus. Lubang kemih merupakan lubang saluran pembuangan air kecil (men don’t put their penis into this hole), vagina merupakan saluran pengeluaran darah menstruasi dan saluran untuk berkembang biak (this is the hole man puts his penis into), dan anus merupakan lubang saluran pembuangan feses (and sometimes this is also the hole man puts his penis into, that we come with the term ‘anal sex’, yet it's unusual and I’m not going to talk about anal sex any further). It could be surprising at times but believe it or not, some people have this pathetic concept that vagina and urethra are the same hole. No honey, no, women don't bleed and pee from the same hole.  

this picture is taken from Google.

  Vagina dilindungi oleh pubic hair dan labia (labia major dan minor seperti yang ada pada gambar). Pubic hair tidak seharusnya dipangkas rata, pubic hair boleh dirapikan (trimming) namun tidak boleh digunduli karena ia ikut berperan sebagai pelindung vagina. Dosen saya juga berpesan bagi para wanita untuk tidak perlu menggunakan sabun khusus daerah kewanitaan karena justru sabun ini akan membunuh ‘kuman baik’ yang sebetulnya berfungsi untuk menjaga sistem imun organ intim.  

  Klitoris terdiri dari satu daerah bulat atau kepala, disebut kelenjar, dan bagian yang lebih panjang, disebut batang, yang memiliki bentuk-bentuk cekungan mirip dengan yang dipunyai penis. Jaringan dari labia minor biasanya menutupi batang klitoris. Satu-satunya bagian dari klitoris yang dapat dilihat langsung adalah kelenjarnya, yang terlihat seperti kancing kecil berkilat. Ukuran dan bentuknya berbeda-beda pada setiap wanita. Ada banyak sekali saraf dalam klitoris dan di daerah sekitarnya. Hal ini menjadikan area klitoris sebagai organ yang sangat sensitif terhadap rangsang sentuhan.

  Klitoris tidak sama dengan G-spot. G-spot merupakan organ seksual internal pada wanita. Titik ini terletak sekitar 1 - 2 inci di dalam vagina dan lokasinya berbeda pada masing-masing wanita. The G spot is very sensitive and swells during sexual excitement, which is why it brings women to orgasm when the man has it hit from the right angle.

  Pada laki-laki, lubang kemih (urethra) merupakan saluran pembuangan air kecil dan juga sekaligus merangkap saluran pengeluaran semen (cairan sperma) saat ejakulasi. Saluran urethra terdapat di dalam penis. Penis tidak sama dengan testis. Penis merupakan organ seksual yang berbentuk batang (memanjang dan memendek tergantung pada suhu atau rangsangan seksual). Testis (testicles) merupakan kelenjar kelamin jantan. Laki-laki mempunyai dua testis yang dibungkus dengan skrotum (my opinion: like a sack with two walnuts in it). Pada testis ini sperma dan hormon seksual dihasilkan. Testis juga sangat sensitif terhadap rangsang sentuhan. 

Now we get down to the real deal. Talking about sex is as quite the same thing as talking about love. Both are wonderfully captivating topics to discuss, but they are not anywhere near as easy as any other topic is. I could try to explain sexuality or love in a million ways but still not catching the right drop. Thus I humbly ask you to try to read and comprehend my writing with an open willing mind. I really appreciate an open mind, I do.

First thing first, virginity is something that each person has a right to control over each own. It is about being given, not taken. As an individual, each of us has all the rightful access to our own body and how we’re going to treat it. What I’m emphasizing here is do what makes you truly happy. You own yourself so make sure you own something worth keeping. If you want to explore your sexuality in the series of raging rampant ways then by all means go ahead. If you want to save your virginity for marriage then by all means keep it. A little note tho: Lass, don’t spread your legs for every man. Lads, don’t collect notches on bedpost for fun. You don’t want to catch STDs, do you?

Some facts about the famous virginal hymen (selaput dara): 1. Setiap perempuan memiliki tipe selaput yang berbeda: ada yang tebal dan ada yang tipis. Konsep bahwa keperawanan konon ditandai dengan pecahnya selaput dara sesungguhnya bukan parameter yang valid. Perempuan dengan selaput dara yang tipis dapat dengan mudah kehilangan selaput dara-nya saat ia terjatuh atau memanjat. Kembali lagi ke masing-masing pribadi, apakah itu keperawanan (virginity)? Isn’t it over-rated? Apakah keperawanan ditandai dengan selaput dara yang utuh atau sebetulnya lebih kepada seorang perempuan yang belum melakukan seks willingly di luar nikah? 2. Pecahnya selaput dara saat melakukan sexual intercourse pertama kali dirumorkan sebagai suatu pengalaman yang menyakitkan. But the fact is it won’t hurt as much as people make it out to be IF your foreplay is satisfying and accommodating. The vagina is elastic: so if a woman is stimulated and relaxed enough, her cavern will enlarge and lubricate itself. It only takes easing up and creating the mood to hit a home-run.

Seks dibedakan menjadi oral sex, anal sex, dan sexual intercourse. Oral sex meliputi aktivitas seksual dengan memberikan stimulasi alat kelamin pasangan seks dengan menggunakan mulut, lidah, gigi atau tenggorokan. Oral seks yang dilakukan pada wanita oleh pria disebut cunnilingus sedangkan pada pria oleh wanita disebut fellatio (blowjob). Anal sex adalah ketika terjadi penetrasi penis ke dalam anus, sementara anilingus merupakan pemberian stimuli rangsangan di bagian anus. Penetrasi ke dalam lubang vagina atau anus bisa dilakukan dengan penis, jari (fingering), dan sex toys. Oral seks biasanya dilakukan sebagai an act of foreplay. 

Sexual intercourse merupakan hal yang berbeda dari segala jenis seks di paragraf sebelumnya. Pada sexual intercourse, penis melakukan penetrasi ke dalam lubang vagina dengan tujuan memenuhi kepuasan seksual atau/dan reproduksi. This is called ‘intercourse’ because it is supposed to be an act of bonding between individuals, both emotionally and physically in pleasure. Yet we know nowadays some things aren’t the way they used to be. 

Lastly, COMMUNICATE it with your partner. As it is with relationship or even friendship, sex is also a two-way thing. Tell them which spot you love having it touched and which you don’t. Listen to their preferences as well. Work your way through it folks, if sex is anything it would be first and always an enhancer. Don’t you worry ladies and gents! Get to know your intimate areas better and they will take care of you.

P.S. I thank God the Almighty for my parents having neither the knowledge on how to access the internet nor the need to learn how, or else they would find their youngest daughter, openly talking and encouraging people to embark on the exploration of the righteous journey on SEX, ha! But for real, yes, I do think you should start pacing down the path.

Hasta la Vista, thank you for keeping up with me.

A Little Thought On Love

Setelah mengikuti kelas pertama mata kuliah Perilaku Seksual (Senin/10-01-2014), saya sedikit banyak berpikir tentang apa yang saya sudah dapatkan dari materi yang telah disampaikan. Well frankly speaking, I’m not that good in pouring my thoughts into words. Sometimes words never mean what we want them to mean, but alas I’ll try my best shot.

Hal pertama yang menangkap perhatian saya adalah kalimat ‘We love because we think we love’.

Ini adalah sebuah penyataan yang dilontarkan berdasarkan sudut pandang teori kognitif. Sebetulnya konsep ini pernah melintas dalam pikiran karena saya pernah membaca sebuah buku yang kurang lebih mengargumentasikan tentang sumber eksistensi cinta, namun membaca kalimat tersebut di layar proyektor ruangan kelas (sungguh unexpected), saya jadi kembali banyak merenung mengenai hal ini. Dalam buku yang saya baca, Everything Is Illuminated karya Jonathan Safran Foer (I really devoured it by the way it is an enjoyable thoughtful book), salah satu tokoh utama dalam buku itu menyimpulkan bahwa seringkali cinta itu sebetulnya ‘tidak ada’. Yang sesungguhnya ada adalah ide kita (pikiran kita) akan cinta itu sendiri. Seringkali kita tidak sesungguhnya mencintai namun kita pikir kita sudah mencintai (We don’t actually love them. We think we love them). 

Love does exist, but rarely so. What we often love is our love for love, not the persons themselves. Untuk mendukung refleksi pemikiran saya mengenai cinta dari sudut pandang kognitif, berikut saya kutip sebuah bagian dari buku tersebut:

                  

            “… And when Yankel said he would die for Brod, he certainly meant it, but that thing he would die for was not Brod… but his love for her. And when she said, Father, I love you, she was neither naïve nor dishonest, but the opposite: she was wise and truthful enough to lie. They reciprocated the great and saving lie: that our love for things is greater than our love for our love for things… willfully playing the parts they wrote for themselves, willfully creating and believing fictions necessary for life”. (Jonathan Safran Foer, 2002).

Pandangan teori kognitif juga membawa saya berpikir bahwa kita juga seringkali jatuh cinta dengan ide dan khayalan kita sendiri. Kita pikir kita mencintai orang itu, padahal kenyataannya yang kita cintai adalah konsep kita mengenai orang itu. Kognisi kita membangun citra seseorang menjadi sedemikian rupa dalam pandangan kita, padahal orang tersebut belum tentu sedemikian adanya di realita sebenarnya.

A quote from the TV series, White Collar.

Hal kedua yang menangkap perhatian saya yaitu mengenai cinta dalam relationship. Pernyataan bahwa passion hanya hadir di awal hubungan namun inevitably akan memudar  merupakan hal yang wajar dan normal. Kita tentu bisa mengharapkan hubungan yang menyenangkan, namun menginginkan kepastian bahwa gairah akan selalu ada sepanjang hubungan berlangsung merupakan harapan yang terlalu muluk. Passion memang salah satu elemen yang paling penting, namun apabila tidak diiringi intimacy dan komitmen untuk menjalani hubungan maka dapat dipastikan hubungan itu akan kandas seiring dengan memudarnya passion.

Kita sering salah mengartikan excitement sebagai cinta. Excitement is not love. All the fun and reckless silly things we do when we’re in love surely are exciting, but truth is you can’t make a relationship based only on the excitement tingles. We can always love someone but we can’t always be in love with them. We need to feel safe and secure to bare our true colors open in front of our partner, which is profound in working on a relationship out. You certainly can’t do this if your partner could only excite you physically but never could understand you as you truly are. I believe we all want our relationship to be fun, but we don’t want it to be just for fun, right?

Quoted from www.brainpicking.org 

The last but not the least, we know that communication is also one of the most important aspects of a healthy and satisfying relationship. Komunikasi seharusnya tidak hanya dilakukan untuk membicarakan hal-hal yang baik saja, namun juga dilakukan untuk membicarakan masalah yang ada. Jangan mengesampingkan masalah yang belum terselesaikan dengan baik hanya karena ‘we don’t feel like talking about it’. No. No, we should never turn our back on the-so-called little problems. Menganggap remeh dan mengesampingkan masalah-masalah sepele dalam hubungan bisa diibaratkan seperti menumpuk laundry kotor di bawah kolong ranjang. Lama-kelamaan tumpukan laundry ini akan mengeluarkan bau yang tidak enak, sama seperti tumpukan masalah ‘sepele’ yang malah berkembang menjadi masalah-masalah lain yang lebih besar.

Mengkomunikasikan konflik bukanlah hal yang mudah apalagi menyenangkan. Giving advices is something that anyone could do. Acting on it is what matters. Susah untuk membicarakan masalah secara baik-baik saat kedua belah pihak sedang naik pitam. Lebih susah lagi jika salah satu pihak memang tidak koperatif dalam berkomunikasi: pasif dan tidak ada keinginan untuk menyelesaikan masalah. Make sure you’re in a relationship with someone who has the willing and efforts to work on things with you.

Saat kita merasa tersinggung oleh tindakan pasangan kita, maka hal yang bijaksana untuk dilakukan adalah memberitahu dia secara baik-baik bahwa memang kita tidak suka. Katakan tidak suka saat kita tidak suka. Katakan suka saat kita memang suka. Jangan berdiam diri dalam ilusi bahwa entah bagaimana caranya pasangan kita itu tahu bahwa kita sedang marah. Bentuk delusi yang paling sederhana adalah saat kita berharap seseorang bisa mengetahui penyebab kemarahan kita hanya dengan melihat kita diam seribu bahasa. Pasangan kita berhak mengetahui apa yang kita rasakan dan kita berhak mengungkapkan apa yang mereka perlu ketahui. 

Well it's about time I quit my rattling, thank you for keeping up with me.