On Finding The One: My Right Kind of Wrongs

Living our lives day by day, we rarely realize just how much our biologically-programmed subconscious works its way through almost every aspect of the day. It could be surprising just how significant the teamwork of our genes, hormones, and neurological factors is in creating the patterns of road we form in life: the decisions we make and the chances we take. Starting from the very little matter as the way we carry ourselves when we walk to the big finding in what we look for in a potential romantic partner. What do those biological systems have to do with all the ordinary affairs? Let me help you envisage the connections behind the matter.

Kelas mata kuliah Perilaku Seksual minggu lalu (Senin, 2 Maret 2014) bertempat di ruang Audio Visual. Berbeda dari pertemuan-pertemuan sebelumnya, materi pada hari itu tidak disampaikan dalam bentuk presentasi kelompok atau pun perkuliahan biasa, namun dalam bentuk sebuah tayangan film edukasi dari Discovery Channel: The Science of Sex Appeal. Film ini berdurasi kurang lebih 1 jam 30 menit dengan berbagai macam faset topik yang berkaitan dengan konsep sex appeal.

Apakah yang dimaksud dengan istilah sex appeal? Sex appeal adalah kapasitas dan kemampuan yang dimiliki oleh individu untuk menarik minat individu lain dalam konteks seksual. Hal ini tentunya memainkan peran besar dalam proses pencarian dan pemilihan pasangan. Dalam film ini, ketertarikan seseorang kepada orang lain sering kali berupa hal-hal yang dapat dirasakan dengan panca indera kita: yang ditangkap secara visual (bentuk wajah, bentuk tubuh, cara jalan seseorang), yang ditangkap secara auditori (suara seseorang), yang ditangkap dengan indera penciuman (‘natural scent’ seseorang, pheromone perempuan yang dikeluarkan dalam bentuk odor), dan yang dirasakan oleh indera peraba (kulit yang halus). Sains mencoba menjelaskan apa yang biasanya manusia cari dalam diri potential partner mereka dan mengapa demikian.

Riset membuktikan bahwa orang yang dianggap memiliki wajah yang attractive sesungguhnya adalah orang-orang dengan proporsi wajah yang simetris. Meski demikian, pada kenyataannya mayoritas orang terlahir dengan satu mata yang lebih kecil dibanding satunya (kalau benar-benar diamati), alis kanan yang lebih tinggi daripada alis kiri atau pun sebaliknya. Apa yang menyebabkan wajah seseorang menjadi tidak simetris? Prenatal factors seperti keadaan ibu pada 3 bulan pertama masa kehamilan serta nutrisi yang diasup saat bayi masih dalam kandungan ternyata kunci utama yang menentukan simetri atau tidaknya proporsi wajah individu. Berkaitan dengan wajah, kaum pria cenderung menyukai bentuk wajah yang feminin dalam mencari pasangan (slightly smaller jaw, arched eyebrows) sementara kaum wanita lebih menyukai wajah yang terkesan maskulin (squared jaw, thicker eyebrows).

Most men find women with an hour-glass figure to be attractive. Why? This is actually biological in origin because bigger breasts and wider hips signify fertility and the ability to give birth. Women, on the other hand, usually prefer men with bigger potential in providing safety thus this tendency often leads women to be attracted with men of high social and financial status. I’m not saying women are originally materialistic; it’s just the way things work. According to general survey, it is undeniable that sex is costly for women. Men can have sex and walk away, whereas, women could possibly face nine months of pregnancy and years of child care. Looking back to the earliest days on earth, women were having babies who were very dependent on them thus at times women could not hunt for food and take care of themselves, so it’s natural that women were looking for the man that could provide---who was the best hunter---who was going to bring home the biggest chunk of meat for the babies. It’s the same thing today as it was back then.

Among other things that play roles in selecting potential mate (the way men find higher-pitched feminine voices to be attractive and women find a deeper more masculine voice to be appealing; or the way one carries themselves when they walk), I am most fascinated by the fact that at some points women do have a lethal weapon in attracting potential mates. Researches prove that women have this natural tendency to appear more glowing and attractive when they are ovulating (which is around a week before menstruation). Around this time, women voices are somehow higher in pitch and their bodies release a certain pheromone (odorous substances that attract the potential mate) that causes arousal in men’s testosterone hormones. When the woman’s body releases this odor called copulance, men will unconsciously smell this odor and they somehow find the woman to be more attractive. Well ladies, I guess it’s time we stop complaining about having period and start learning how to put this pheromone in use, wisely and effectively, ha!

These scientific findings are mind-enlightening and very informative, though I would like to have a few say on this whole ‘mate finding and selecting’. The fact that physical and outer appearance does play big role in the matter is undeniably true but even that is not enough. As cliché as it appears to be, personality is the anchor that will decide whether the ship keeps sailing in the search for harbors or finally stops at the suitable harbor. You will want to know how your potential partner acts in certain situations: are they funny, are they caring, are they responsible, are they weird in a way that mixes well with your own weirdness? You want to know whether you could picture yourself happy being with that person when their physical appearances age and worn. When it comes to decipher the matter between appearance and personality, the author Lisa Unger got the words perfectly written and I quote,

“When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not with your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner-self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.” (Lisa Unger, 2006).

Charlie Chaplin, in his letter to his daughter, Geraldine.

Putting the sexual adjective aside, I’ve found numerous non-sexual things to be sexy: the way one casually opens the door for the elderly, the way one walks beside you instead of steps ahead when you’re in their company, when one gives thank to the waiter or to anyone who at least tries to help, or even when one remembers your seemingly-not-important quirks ---the way you like your milk cold or your noodles with no chilli. Those acts might seem trivial, but for me those little thoughtful things speak more volumes than the-standing-in-the-rain kind of stunts. Sue me for having this helpless mind *dramatic sigh*.

As I see it, maybe the whole mate-selection thing is about finding your right kind of wrongs. Some look for those thick eyelashes that cast shadow to fall upon the eye; some might find a pointy chin to be endearing; some might be repelled by big nose whereas some see big nose as a wonderful sight. What others seem to adore might not be what you desire. What you find to be lovely might not be what others find pleasant. You find your own ‘right’ in what others deem to be ‘wrong’. So it really comes back to each person to decide which of which is suitable to be a potential mate. After all, don’t they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

Here I draw my writing to a close, thank you for keeping up with me.

This picture is taken from Google.