You Are My Home

Last Monday (10-03-2014) the class had this one group presenting the material about sexual relationship in adulthood. This topic mostly revolves around the relationship between couples in marital life and how people deal with the issues rounding it. We all know being married is a significant choice to make in life and just thinking about what entails a marriage makes my thoughts go chaotic. I am, in many ways, not apt to have much say on this because of my age and lacking experience but I will nevertheless write down a few things about marriage in my opinion. First hand I would like to share with you some bits of what I learned in the class.

I used to wonder (and sometimes still do) how two people could stay together for such a long time. Are they happy with it? What would they do when they have grown tired of each other? Now that I learn better, I catch a few glimpses of what married couples probably do to keep their marriage a whole, especially in maintaining the sexual relationship when children is already in the frame. Unsurprisingly, it always comes back to communication.

What should people do to keep their sexual relationship well-maintained through the marriage? My lecturer, Bu Henny, enlightened us with a good reasonable explanation. Communicate our needs with our partner and listen to theirs. Make time so we and our spouse could have some fun activities together, including that activity that involves our sexual anatomies. Having children in the house might inevitably change the situation, but this must not put your sexual activity to a stop. Discuss with our partner how to sort things out and it will be better for the couple to schedule the sex. Setting a schedule doesn’t mean we are bound to be engaged in a sexual activity when we’re not even in the mood or when we’re tired to have some. If we are too tired, do neither force nor fake the situation. Tell our spouse how we feel and work it out with them. If it is not possible to have sex on that day, we still can be intimate with each other: laying or cuddling together is better than none at all.

Putting the sexual matter aside, marriage is a mix of emotional matters more than it is of physical ones’. I used to scoff when some say they are looking for a good heart in marrying someone, but now I find myself in the same boat with them. Although physical appearance is the first to catch the attention, those who know better know that this is not the touchstone. Physical appearance should not be the main thing to look for in a potential life-partner. People will age thus outer look may fade, but even if it may not fade, eventually humans with our tendency to grow bored easily will get in the way. I know why I must marry the one who has a good heart. It is so when I get tired of them, all I need is to take some time alone to realize and appreciate all the good deeds they always do. The goodness in their character is something that my marriage can count on to; something that I know for sure will keep me coming back to them, no matter how upset they make me be. Hereby what the movie character Rita Thornton said in The Vow (2012), “I chose to stay with him for all the things he had done right and not to leave him for the one thing that he had done wrong.”

Marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime, isn’t it? That’s why we need to be selective in choosing with whom we want to spend the rest of our life with. I would like to think that having faith in marriage is a privilege that not everyone could afford, because the fact is you need more than “love” to keep your sanity in marriage. Yes, people marry each other because of love. Love settles people down in marriage but respect, trust, friendship, and commitment are what keeping a marriage alive. If I am to say, I would say that marriage goes beyond the classic happy-ever-after notion. Marriage is a struggle because it is worth the hard-work. It is way more than the declaration of vow to love each other eternally, living under the same roof, and having children together; you and I both know we don’t need to be legally married to do all those things. Being married is a choice of yours, not of your parents’ or society’s. Do not marry just because you’re now 30 years old. Marry, because you know this is the person that you love to work on things with.

This photo was taken by me in 2011.
I was looking through a magazine and by chance read an interesting interview.

Marriage is about being committed to be someone’s life partner and having that commitment kept. Marriage means there are more personal cards opened on the table, seeing many other sides of your spouse---the good and the bad---that you’ve had never seen before and trying to accept each other in the best way. Marriage means doubting the situation you’ve gotten yourself into; questioning yourself why you ever married this person in the first place yet you can’t stand the possibility of them marrying anyone else but you. Marriage means being a taken by the whole marriage life issues and arguing a hell of a lot because you want to fight for the happiness you both deserve. Marriage means choosing to stay through a lot of wrecks because at the end of the day you could see them, as confused and frustrated as you are, still trying to work on things with you.  

I think to myself, now that I am still young and fit; that I couldn’t care less about getting married moreover being committed to someone for life. But I also can’t help wondering to the days when I will not look this youthful anymore and my joints start giving me hard times after doing some chores, I wonder just how nice it is to have found someone who knows how to keep me on my toes, someone who will not run for hills when they found my many many flaws, someone whom I could call to help me pick up some eggs or medicines on their way back home, someone I could share my day with, someone I know I could rely on, and foremost, someone I could go home to.

I could go blabbering on this forever but we know it’s not wise, so thank you for keeping up with me.

On Finding The One: My Right Kind of Wrongs

Living our lives day by day, we rarely realize just how much our biologically-programmed subconscious works its way through almost every aspect of the day. It could be surprising just how significant the teamwork of our genes, hormones, and neurological factors is in creating the patterns of road we form in life: the decisions we make and the chances we take. Starting from the very little matter as the way we carry ourselves when we walk to the big finding in what we look for in a potential romantic partner. What do those biological systems have to do with all the ordinary affairs? Let me help you envisage the connections behind the matter.

Kelas mata kuliah Perilaku Seksual minggu lalu (Senin, 2 Maret 2014) bertempat di ruang Audio Visual. Berbeda dari pertemuan-pertemuan sebelumnya, materi pada hari itu tidak disampaikan dalam bentuk presentasi kelompok atau pun perkuliahan biasa, namun dalam bentuk sebuah tayangan film edukasi dari Discovery Channel: The Science of Sex Appeal. Film ini berdurasi kurang lebih 1 jam 30 menit dengan berbagai macam faset topik yang berkaitan dengan konsep sex appeal.

Apakah yang dimaksud dengan istilah sex appeal? Sex appeal adalah kapasitas dan kemampuan yang dimiliki oleh individu untuk menarik minat individu lain dalam konteks seksual. Hal ini tentunya memainkan peran besar dalam proses pencarian dan pemilihan pasangan. Dalam film ini, ketertarikan seseorang kepada orang lain sering kali berupa hal-hal yang dapat dirasakan dengan panca indera kita: yang ditangkap secara visual (bentuk wajah, bentuk tubuh, cara jalan seseorang), yang ditangkap secara auditori (suara seseorang), yang ditangkap dengan indera penciuman (‘natural scent’ seseorang, pheromone perempuan yang dikeluarkan dalam bentuk odor), dan yang dirasakan oleh indera peraba (kulit yang halus). Sains mencoba menjelaskan apa yang biasanya manusia cari dalam diri potential partner mereka dan mengapa demikian.

Riset membuktikan bahwa orang yang dianggap memiliki wajah yang attractive sesungguhnya adalah orang-orang dengan proporsi wajah yang simetris. Meski demikian, pada kenyataannya mayoritas orang terlahir dengan satu mata yang lebih kecil dibanding satunya (kalau benar-benar diamati), alis kanan yang lebih tinggi daripada alis kiri atau pun sebaliknya. Apa yang menyebabkan wajah seseorang menjadi tidak simetris? Prenatal factors seperti keadaan ibu pada 3 bulan pertama masa kehamilan serta nutrisi yang diasup saat bayi masih dalam kandungan ternyata kunci utama yang menentukan simetri atau tidaknya proporsi wajah individu. Berkaitan dengan wajah, kaum pria cenderung menyukai bentuk wajah yang feminin dalam mencari pasangan (slightly smaller jaw, arched eyebrows) sementara kaum wanita lebih menyukai wajah yang terkesan maskulin (squared jaw, thicker eyebrows).

Most men find women with an hour-glass figure to be attractive. Why? This is actually biological in origin because bigger breasts and wider hips signify fertility and the ability to give birth. Women, on the other hand, usually prefer men with bigger potential in providing safety thus this tendency often leads women to be attracted with men of high social and financial status. I’m not saying women are originally materialistic; it’s just the way things work. According to general survey, it is undeniable that sex is costly for women. Men can have sex and walk away, whereas, women could possibly face nine months of pregnancy and years of child care. Looking back to the earliest days on earth, women were having babies who were very dependent on them thus at times women could not hunt for food and take care of themselves, so it’s natural that women were looking for the man that could provide---who was the best hunter---who was going to bring home the biggest chunk of meat for the babies. It’s the same thing today as it was back then.

Among other things that play roles in selecting potential mate (the way men find higher-pitched feminine voices to be attractive and women find a deeper more masculine voice to be appealing; or the way one carries themselves when they walk), I am most fascinated by the fact that at some points women do have a lethal weapon in attracting potential mates. Researches prove that women have this natural tendency to appear more glowing and attractive when they are ovulating (which is around a week before menstruation). Around this time, women voices are somehow higher in pitch and their bodies release a certain pheromone (odorous substances that attract the potential mate) that causes arousal in men’s testosterone hormones. When the woman’s body releases this odor called copulance, men will unconsciously smell this odor and they somehow find the woman to be more attractive. Well ladies, I guess it’s time we stop complaining about having period and start learning how to put this pheromone in use, wisely and effectively, ha!

These scientific findings are mind-enlightening and very informative, though I would like to have a few say on this whole ‘mate finding and selecting’. The fact that physical and outer appearance does play big role in the matter is undeniably true but even that is not enough. As cliché as it appears to be, personality is the anchor that will decide whether the ship keeps sailing in the search for harbors or finally stops at the suitable harbor. You will want to know how your potential partner acts in certain situations: are they funny, are they caring, are they responsible, are they weird in a way that mixes well with your own weirdness? You want to know whether you could picture yourself happy being with that person when their physical appearances age and worn. When it comes to decipher the matter between appearance and personality, the author Lisa Unger got the words perfectly written and I quote,

“When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not with your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner-self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.” (Lisa Unger, 2006).

Charlie Chaplin, in his letter to his daughter, Geraldine.

Putting the sexual adjective aside, I’ve found numerous non-sexual things to be sexy: the way one casually opens the door for the elderly, the way one walks beside you instead of steps ahead when you’re in their company, when one gives thank to the waiter or to anyone who at least tries to help, or even when one remembers your seemingly-not-important quirks ---the way you like your milk cold or your noodles with no chilli. Those acts might seem trivial, but for me those little thoughtful things speak more volumes than the-standing-in-the-rain kind of stunts. Sue me for having this helpless mind *dramatic sigh*.

As I see it, maybe the whole mate-selection thing is about finding your right kind of wrongs. Some look for those thick eyelashes that cast shadow to fall upon the eye; some might find a pointy chin to be endearing; some might be repelled by big nose whereas some see big nose as a wonderful sight. What others seem to adore might not be what you desire. What you find to be lovely might not be what others find pleasant. You find your own ‘right’ in what others deem to be ‘wrong’. So it really comes back to each person to decide which of which is suitable to be a potential mate. After all, don’t they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

Here I draw my writing to a close, thank you for keeping up with me.

This picture is taken from Google.

On Sexuality: What Truly Matters

Last week (24-02-2014) my class had this one group presenting the material in front of the classroom and we had a little discussion after. We dug deeper on the topic of sexual orientation, especially emphasizing on homosexuality. Nowadays, homosexuality is sort of being in the limelight as to the increasing numbers of people coming out of closet and the legal policy of gay marriage in a few countries. I keep thinking about how similar this situation is to the once racial discrimination phenomenon where black people weren’t allowed to many of human rights and privileges. Before I share my views on the subject, I would like to fill you in with a bit of information I got from the class.

Seperti yang sudah saya tulis di posting sebelumnya, orientasi seksual mengarah pada pola ketertarikan secara seksual, romantis, dan emosional terhadap suatu gender (laki-laki, wanita, atau laki-laki dan wanita). Kaum homoseksual adalah mereka yang berorientasi seksual pada individu lain dengan gender yang sama. Banyak teori dan pandangan yang berusaha menjelaskan mengenai ikhtisar, asal-usul, dan perkembangan dari homoseksualitas. Ada yang mengatakan bahwa homoseksualitas adalah keadaan yang dibawa sejak lahir, pandangan lain mengatakan bahwa hal ini dipengaruhi oleh upbringing, dan ada juga yang berpendapat bahwa hormon memainkan peran dalam orientasi seksual (bahwa perempuan lesbian memiliki kadar hormon testosteron yang lebih tinggi daripada yang selazimnya). Dari sekian banyak pandangan yang ada, saya mendapati pandangan Behaviorist Theory cukup menarik.

Di dalam makalah kelompok, tertulis bahwa behaviorist theory menyatakan bahwa perbedaan orientasi seksual, khususnya homoseksualitas, terjadi akibat adanya reinforcement dan reward positif. Those behaviorists state that the differences in sexual orientation are learned. Without lessening any of my respect, I somehow find those two statements to be quite ridiculous.

Seperti yang kita ketahui, mayoritas masyarakat tentunya tidak memandang homoseksualitas sebagai sesuatu yang ‘baik’, bahkan beberapa kaum konvensional yang fanatik justru menghujat kaum homoseksual. Melihat situasi ini, saya rasa reinforcement dan reward positif yang kaum homoseks dapatkan tentu tidak sebanding dengan hujatan dan tentangan yang ada. Lingkungan dengan tingkat acceptance dan tolerance yang tinggi serta awareness terhadap kaum LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, dan transgender) mungkin menjadi salah satu penyebab meningkatnya jumlah orang yang mengaku dirinya homoseksual. Namun saya rasa hal ini terjadi tidak secara satu arah. It’s like questioning the obvious thing, “Which comes first: The smoke or the fire?” Tidak mungkin ada asap jika tidak ada api. Tidak mungkin ada awareness jika tidak ada objek nyata dalam realita. Homoseksualitas mungkin saja meningkat karena adanya dukungan atau penerimaan (reinforcement positif), namun tidak berarti awal mula homoseksualitas lahir dari lingkungan. Terlebih dahulu harus ada kasus mengenai homoseksualitias dalam jumlah yang cukup banyak sehingga muncul awareness di masyarakat. Saya tidak menyatakan bahwa teori behaviorist sepenuhnya keliru, biarlah apa yang saya tulis di atas ditanggapi sebagai opini yang terbuka.

I am a heterosexual, but I neither despise nor glorify those of homosexuals and bisexuals. Regardless of my religion’s and culture’s influences, I am all Switzerland on this whole homosexuality thing. It’s not about the degrading morality of the generation but more like of an acceptance. I do not hold homosexuality above or below anyone. People are just open about it now. People used to think that black people were an abomination from evolution as well and now we have gotten to the point of not making that assumption. I wonder if in a few decades later, all these LGBT notions will be regarded as normal and accepted wholly as knowledge and studies about them become more scientifically reliable.

Dalam diskusi kelas, salah seorang teman saya bertanya, “Apakah seorang ladyboy (laki-laki yang setelah menjalani operasi kelamin menjadi seorang perempuan) yang menyukai laki-laki lain tergolong homoseksual?” Saya ingin memberikan tanggapan mengenai hal ini. Gender is a person’s sexual identity, regardless of the person’s biological and outward sex. Gender mengacu pada identitas seksual dan bukan pada jenis kelamin. Seorang laki-laki bisa saja merasa bahwa ia sebetulnya perempuan yang lahir dalam raga laki-laki. It’s like on the outside I’m a man but the ‘me’ inside is a woman. This means his gender is of a woman. Anggap saja laki-laki ini kemudian menjalani operasi jenis kelamin menjadi perempuan lalu kemudian ia menjalin hubungan romantis dengan seorang laki-laki tulen. Menurut saya, mereka adalah pasangan heteroseksual. Seorang laki-laki hanya dikatakan homoseksual jika dirinya memang mengakui bahwa ia memiliki gender laki-laki namun juga tertarik dengan laki-laki secara romantis dan seksual. Seseorang menjalani operasi kelamin dan menjadi transgender bukan dilandasi orientasi seksualnya, but on how one feels about one’s sexual identity.

Bisakah seseorang yang dulunya homoseksual kemudian ‘kembali’ menjadi heteroseksual? For me life is about finding who you truly are. Seseorang bisa saja mengaku dirinya homoseksual karena ia sedang mengalami konflik jati diri hingga pada akhirnya ia menyadari bahwa ia sebetulnya heteroseksual. Life is an ever changing cycle and we might as well roll with it. We doubt and then we make sure. It’s ok to be lost and confused once in a while, that’s what makes us human after all. So when you finally find yourself, make your mark and celebrate it.

    Sometimes we are afraid to speak up our mind and do the things that we actually love because we fear judgments will be held upon us. It's like even though we know we should not bother with what people say, many times we still find ourselves hesitating to stand for what we want because at the end of the day, sometimes those gibberish still get to us. It's ok though. Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters: what you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you. So hats off to those who have the courage to stand for who they really are regardless of their sexual orientation or gender because it shows that they embrace themselves wholly as human beings. You should never feel less special just because you are different from what society molds you to be.

    There I have my thoughts said, thank you for keeping up with me.

This picture is taken from Google.